A few months ago I wrote this for a Toastmasters humorous speech contest. I didn't win, but I'm still proud of it. It's my own version of "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe. This speech was inspired in part by this classic product review of Tuscan milk, and I hope you enjoy it.
Once upon a lazy Sunday as I sat there dreading
Monday
Hoping for a for a cat nap of an hour or more
Hoping for a for a cat nap of an hour or more
As I lay there, lightly dozing, awesome dreams my brain
composing
When I felt a fervent nosing, nosing I tried to
ignore
Five more minutes please I muttered, then
proceeded to ignore
A prodding that became much more.
Ah, distinctly I’m reminded of the task I said I
minded
Not the least to finish up before I’d snore
My wife warns me, nostrils flaring, hurling
daggers with her glaring
That I’d better not be daring, daring to abscond
this chore
“I would never dream it, honey, you will see me do
this chore
Wife of mine whom I adore.”
With my wife’s footfalls retreating I begin the
task of meeting
That clear obligation of unpleasant chore.
It’s our basement I’ll be cleaning, something I’d
indeed been meaning
To completely clear of teeming, teeming trash and
so much more.
It’s a landfill I conceded, full of junk and so
much more.
Thus I opened up the door.
I take it in with all my gazing and I find it
quite amazing
That I never smelled this wretched stench before.
Putrid piles of stuff now rotten, how could all
this be forgotten
I know I last had cleaned not in, not in a long
year or more
It’s time to get to work I say as I get garbage
bags and more
Setting out to do this chore
Two steps down, that’s when I stumble, taking a
fantastic tumble
Down the stairs, I hope there’s not a lot of gore
I survive, though it’s quite fishy, as I land on
something squishy
Wanting ignorance once might wish he, wish he then
would see no more
Incandescents spark and flicker and I do see so
much more
A vision worse than Jersey Shore.
My sight and senses quite tormented, rats and insects, those segmented
My sight and senses quite tormented, rats and insects, those segmented
Vermin
freely gather on my basement floor
My soft
landing, I am trusting is because of some disgusting
Pile of
ghastly creatures bustling, bustling with eight legs or more
Verily
my saving cushions walk along eight legs or more
Revulsion
fills me to my core.
I utter
a fantastic curse, “at least it can’t get any worse”
And
learn why I should stick to saying nothing more
My
experience I’m clearly chalking, open mouthed, I’m all but balking
For
these things are loudly talking, talking on of vermin lore
I have
crashed a huge gab session, focused on forgotten lore
Then a
large rat takes the floor.
Fur as
white as alabaster, says I’ve entered a Toastmasters
Meeting
of a chapter unknown heretofore
News as
such is surely shocking, my world view these creatures rocking
Then I
see them firmly blocking, blocking my way to the door
I’m a
prisoner I shudder, kept at bay from basement door
Don’t
think I can take much more.
The
meeting then proceeds much faster, now the Table Topics Master
Asks a
question of me with a deafening roar
The
answer I must freely give, is why I be allowed to live
Lest I
be opened like a sieve, a sieve and bleed out on this floor
Not a
pleasant prospect that, expiring here upon this floor
That
truly would be too much gore
Table topics, very tricky, how to answer one so
sticky
With a statement that they do not all deplore
My armpits sweat, they must be reeking, as I start
my frantic speaking
Hoping that my sadly squeaking, squeaking voice is
not a bore
Am I interesting I ask, hoping that I’m not a bore
The green card up, one minute more
Soon it will be open season on my hide without a
reason
That I should continue breathing as before
My answer, this: let’s make a deal, for you could
likely use a meal
And I could give a generous wheel, a wheel of
cheese and so much more
I’d bring you food and goodies, yes, I’d bring you
that and so much more
For I would buy it at the store
Thus I end my big conclusion, hope they take to my
collusion
View me as an asset for their latest score
Silence as the vermin chatter, cannot overhear
their natter
Until finally the matter, matter settled on the
floor
I’m allowed to live, they say, my blood not spilt
upon the floor
Relief then fills me to my core
Released at last, a bargain struck, the creatures
can’t believe their luck
As I go back upstairs outside the basement door.
I summon the exterminator who’ll be back like
Terminator
And I’ll say see you later, later all you pests
galore
I’m happy to be rid of vermin, hair and filth and
legs galore
I will see them nevermore.
More of my Musings
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